In an effort to keep myself out of the grocery store and the family fed I bought an extra turkey during the holidays. Working on the premise that one of those suckers would feed the family for a week I recently thawed it out and slung it in the oven. Pleased with my culinary accomplishment I went to bed with a flawless roast turkey ready for carving in the morning.

Next morning my husband says one of the kids helped themselves to some turkey. Well okay, that's what I made it for. In fact, my darling child had helped himself to two turkey legs, most of a thigh, and a wing. About a quarter of a bird in the 15 to 20 lb range downed by one child.

I was caught somewhere between pride and chagrin. The ability of children, in this case a teenage boy, to make food disappear shouldn't shock me any more but dang son. I'm going to have to get another turkey.

Bacon is a fabulous parenting tool. It is a great motivator for children. At least in my house it is. Need to get their adorable bedheads off the pillow? Fry some bacon. That smoky aroma wafting through the house is better than an alarm clock. By the time the first batch is done their eager wide awake faces appear in the kitchen declaring, "I smell bacon!"

Need to get their attention? Bacon. It's better than calling their full names in that voice every parent develops without even trying. No need to scare the neighbors. Pop some bacon into a pan and voila. I have the children fighting for my attention.

Need to bribe, er offer an incentive? Bacon. I can get a lot of good work out of a child on the promise of a few strips of crispy bacon. Who doesn't like a good reward?

Bacon is even great for teaching life skills, fire safety, and first aid. "Mom stop it with the grease fires! Somebody get the baking soda."

That time I found my living room dusted with sugar, nobody knows what happened, I thought at least it's not glitter. Because there was that time I came home to a glittering household.

"Why are you sparkling?" Famous last words uttered by me at the front door.
"It's fairy dust!" That child was so proud of herself. She'd covered herself, her siblings, her father, and a good deal of the house, in embossing glitter I'd forgotten that I had. Things I learned that day.

• Glitter does not wash off of children.
• Glitter does not wash out of hair.
• Attempting to wash glitter off of children results in glitter all over the children and the bathroom.
• Glitter does not sweep up. It merely spreads to the nooks and crannies and corners of your house.
• The glitter storm looks worse in day light.
• If you have glitter they will find it and spread it everywhere. Everywhere.
• Once released it takes years for the glitter monster to go away.

You've been warned.

On the off chance that nobody, not me, and I don't know visit your house and leave a crack in the tank of your toilet causing water to leak onto the bathroom floor and the toilet to run constantly here's what you do.

1. Get some two-part marine epoxy. Check the local hardware store, the big box places, and Amazon.
2. Turn off the water supply.
3. Drain the tank.
4. Let the dry completely.
5. Follow two-part marine epoxy mixing directions meticulously. Do not wear clothing you care about while doing this.
6. Apply epoxy to the crack on the inside and outside of the tank.
7. Follow instructions for the curing time of the marine epoxy.
8. Bask in the glory of handling a random crisis like a boss.